Froot Loops

A friend of mine was in town this weekend. One night, intoxicated and exasperated with Alphabet City's 4:00am vegan snacking options, he impulsively bought a box of Froot Loops at the bodega around the corner.

What's curious about Froot Loops these days is the inclusion of a new unit called the "Fruity Golden Bar". I'll admit I've been out of the loop on kids' cereals for some time, so maybe there's a reasonable explanation for this. But I just can't imagine what Kellogg's's rationale could have been when they decided to add "Fruity Golden Bars" to their time-tested formula.

I like to imagine the focus groups that huge companies like Kellogg's presumably use before launching a new product like this.

CONTROL, 0930 hrs 3/13/06, Bttl Crk MI, grp 14-038-A. Synopsis ERM(3/15):

Grp continues to love FL taste/texture. Egs, "Fruity", "Stays crunchy", "Loopy", etc. 14/15 sbjs fnsh bowl; 8/14 rqst more. All within expected range. Complaints center around quantity of serving, also in keeping w forcast (sic). 1 excptn: 9/15 sbjs lament absence of "fruity golden bars". Egs, "You know what this cereal needs, Ernest? Some bars. Loops are great and all, and golly I'm sure not asking you to get rid of them, but maybe mix it up a little, you know? I've always loved a good bar, myself. Maybe color it something a little less exciting. A little contrast could make all those insane neon loops really pop", "If you could just throw in some fruity golden bars, I'd eat this cereal every day", "I like the loopiness of the loops, but I can't help but think there's something missing. I can't really put it into words, but the idea is right on the tip of my tongue. I don't know what to call it; Bar-iness?".

Recommend farther (sic) inqry asap. ERM/DRH

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FRTY GOLD BAR, 1400 hrs, 4/29/06, Btl Crk MI, grp 08-395-C. Synopsis PCA(4/29):

#s off charts. Perfect grp scores. Rants, raves, etc. 4 bx consumed in 13 min. Unprecedented. Sbj 4 begs to see chart; insists quote be taken verbatem (sic): "This shit is the best fucking shit I've ever fucking tasted! I had no idea Fruity Golden Bars could be so good!!! All my life I thought I was happy but I wasn't! Until today!!!! Thank you Froot Loops. Thank you Kellogg's. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!"

Recmnd immediate mass prdction. Halt existing line. Refit mchns for bar production. Explore futures mrkt for gld coloring; invest heavily at any price. Sign-off all overtime as nec. 5/15 launch could rescue Q2. PCA/DRH. CC Corporate, BD, Legal.

That's probably how it went down.

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But the more I think about it, the more I wonder if maybe the Fruity Golden Bar is a huge step forward. I think Kellogg's just broke the 4th wall of cereal. A Froot Loop that isn't a loop? Can you imagine a Rice Krispie that isn't krispie? A Corn Pop that doesn't pop?

Every morning, Kellogg's fortifies our children with Vitamin D, Riboflavin, and one of the most vexing ontological problems of our age. I, for one, applaud their noble work.