October 4, 2010

Happy Belabor Day!

You should call your mom today. And if you've already called your mom today, by all means, do it again.

June 14, 2010

Pretty, pretty, pretty Toney

If you could only take advice from one person for the rest of your life, that person really ought to be Ghostface Killah. Some time ago, MTV2 had the good sense to give him his own advice forum, and the world has been an immeasurably better place ever since. Most of the videos aren't available on YouTube, but some enterprising youngsters have posted the audio clips over some other bullshit. Every one of these clips is crucial to living a fulfilling life, but there's one in particular I'd like to share:

In case you're one of those assholes who doesn't actually watch the clips I post, the gist of it is this: when you're in the shower, wash your face before you wash your balls. Most people wash their balls and then wash their face, and when you think about it, that shit is disgusting. (Trust me that Ghost makes this point far more convincingly than I do.)

So essentially, I've been walking out the door every morning with balls on my face. Now that I think about it, this probably explains quite a bit about me.

April 5, 2010

The most interesting man in the world

With the coming of spring, a young man's thoughts turn naturally to romance. Roughly two weeks later, they turn to baseball, where they remain for the next seven months. In honor of Major League Baseball's opening day, I thought I'd say a few words about Hall of Fame third baseman Wade Boggs.

The other day I made the case to my good friend Ms. Brick Johnson that Wade is the most interesting baseball player of all time. Ms. Johnson didn't believe me, but Ms. Johnson is wrong. How many things is Wade famous for? Let's see:

1) During every home game when Wade played for the Red Sox, a mysterious fan would yell "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade" after the first pitch of his first at-bat.
2) Incidentally, Wade never swung at the first pitch of any at-bat.
3) In perhaps the funniest rumor of all time, Wade is said to have once consumed 64 beers on a cross-country flight.
4) Wade reportedly kept a mistress in every major league city. (In fairness, he was probably not the only ballplayer to do this.)
5) Wade has never been photographed with The Most Interesting Man in the World. Why? Maybe because Wade is The Most Interesting Man in the World. You be the judge:

"I don't always drink 64 beers on a cross-country flight. But when I do, I prefer Dos Equis."

6)Wade famously ate chicken before every game. In fact, his only lasting nickname (who needs a nickname when your name is already Wade?) was Chicken Man. There's even a baseball card where Wade is holding a rubber chicken instead of a bat.
7) Wade's 3000th hit was a home run. No one else has ever done this.

Wade Anthony Boggs, I think I love you.

March 31, 2010

Bad Advice

Certain Blogs have been getting an awful lot of bad advice lately (and I don't just mean "keep writing").

So I think it's time to set a few things straight. I humbly submit retorts to the following adages:

1. "Don't go to the grocery store hungry." Bullshit. In what other walk of life would you hear something so ridiculous? Don't go to the dealership if you need a car? Don't go to the music store when you want to buy a CD? Don't go to the movies when you want to see a fucking movie? I mean, if there's a better place to go when you're hungry than A HUGE STORE FULL OF FOOD, I've yet to find it.

2. "Dogs' mouths are cleaner than humans'." Seriously, have you ever met one dog?

3. "Snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them." This bothers me for two reasons. Number one: as a threshold matter, I don't like people telling me how afraid I am of things. The only way you could possibly know how afraid I am of snakes is if you heard me say, "I'm more afraid of snakes than anyone has ever been afraid of anything."

Which brings me to number two: it is literally impossible for snakes to be more afraid of me than I am of them. The absolute best they could hope for is a tie. And frankly that'd have to be one timid fucking snake.

Poppycock and bollocks, all of it.

March 16, 2010

Yet Another Example of the Porousness of Certain Blogs

I haven't given up on this blog quite yet. I've been awfully busy the last few months moving to an old city and adjusting to a new job. But rest assured, I've got a few half-baked ideas in the hopper. Working titles: "Inside Jokes (I don't get them)", "Petty Complaints About Service Providers", and "[god dammit i forgot the only funny one]".

But for now, I'm off to Vegas for my annual sports gambling vacation. I'll try my darnedest not to make these common mistakes.

Wish me luck.

December 11, 2009

Otiose post

The late David Foster Wallace once wondered if the owners of the Super 8 motel chain might have named their business something else if they had any idea what "suppurate" meant.

I thought of this today at the grocery store, when I came across a Cheerios knock-off calling itself Oatios. Call me crazy, but I'm not sure anybody wants a health food that connotes otiose.

November 19, 2009

ok, sam

I'm notoriously hot-natured. Literally, not figuratively. (Figuratively I'm cool as a cucumber.) One time when I was 10 or so, I got heat exhaustion while I was playing first base in a little league game. As in, yes, I was just standing there. The heat index was in triple figures; Dad had arrived early and installed tarps over both teams' dugouts for shade. Back on the field, my vision started to blur and I could only see the batter intermittently. I yelled feebly to the umpire that I was sick, but he told me to wait for the next pitch, which I did. As soon as it crossed the plate, I crossed the first base line and puked into foul territory. (I especially like this detail about not desecrating the field of play.)

The epilogue is I laid down on the bench and drank a bunch of gatorade while everyone looked on in horror. The umpires conferred and dictated that I still had to make an appearance at the plate, lest we violate LL's everybody-gets-to-bat rule. Dad told me not to swing, so of course the pitcher walked me. Except in those days, a coach would come in to pitch to you after a "walk", instead of you just taking first base like God intended. So on the coach's first pitch, I bunted. Which apparently no one in the history of LL had ever done before. I beat the throw to first. But the umps caucused again and decided you're not allowed to bunt when the coach is pitching. They allowed me one more pitch to hit. The coach's pitch was well over my head, but I managed to chop it into center field. I later came around to score.

November 16, 2009

another how-to

Here's something I drunkenly submitted to my law school's weekly newspaper in 2005. The editors politely declined to run it:

A lot of people around here are fond of comparing law school to high school. And they're right to do so. But the sad thing is, as Ferris Bueller aptly pointed out, high school is childish and stupid. So let’s all follow these simple steps towards eliminating our embarrassing predicament.

STEP ONE: Stop trying to sleep with everyone you know. Cripes, man. There’s an unlimited number of undergrads out there, all of whom are younger, prettier, and dumber than we are. Remember: the only people who aren’t impressed that you’re a law student are other law students.

STEP TWO: Stop hanging out at the law school all day. No one makes you hang out at school when you’re not in class. You’re not waiting on a bus. There’s no reason to spend $19 on a lettuce wrap at Bob Scott Commons when you own a car.

STEP THREE: Don’t get a locker. What’s the point? Ever since Sir Isaac Newton invented the backpack, people have enjoyed a more convenient way to store their books. Honor him.

STEP FOUR: Learn to hold your liquor. Wow. The youngest of you is, what, twenty-two? That means you’ve been drinking for at least five years. So act like you’ve been there before. A little bit of self-respect will go a long way in the outside world. The first time your promotion hinges on taking six boozebags from Lehman Brothers out for drinks, you’ll thank me.

STEP FIVE: Stop wearing so much Abercrombie and Fitch. When Jody Kraus is making fun of you, it’s time to reevaluate.

STEP SIX: Don’t pose for a yearbook photo. Actually, we’re doing pretty damn well on this one. Keep up the good work.

STEP SEVEN: Don’t join a journal. I can’t emphasize this one enough. If law school is like high school, then stretch the analogy out a little further: in high school, everyone is concerned about doing as much pointless bullshit as possible because they think it will help them get into the best colleges. In law school, someone tricked you into thinking you have to do a bunch of pointless bullshit if you want to get hired by a good law firm. Spearheading your neighborhood’s recycling efforts didn’t get you into Harvard, and spending your entire second year cite-checking some blowhard from Vanderbilt isn’t going to impress any interviewers. Take it from someone too stupid to get elected to even the most frivolous journal: you’re going to get a job no matter what.

STEP EIGHT: Don’t watch The OC. There’s a reason people compare it to Beverly Hills 90210: they both suck.

STEP NINE: Stop pretending you’re going to marry your current love interest. I swear, if I have to hear “I have a boyfriend” (or--worse yet--“you have a girlfriend”) one more time, I’m going to start listening to Pearl Jam again. Let’s not sugarcoat things: as future lawyers, we all have at least two unhappy marriages in our future. The sooner we own up to this, the sooner we can get on with our miserable lives.

STEP TEN: Smoke cigarettes. Hunton & Williams encourages it. And I promise Principal Jeffries won’t give you detention.

It's amazing how dated this already seems. Everyone gets a job? And what the hell are Lehman Brothers? What planet was this guy living on??

November 2, 2009

Audio/Visual Blog

Here's a picture I took right across the street from my new apartment. I submitted it to one of those stupid failblog websites, but they chose not to run it (I'm not linking to them out of spite).

Oddly enough, the misspelling could be of 'distinction' or 'destination'. I looked up the slogan and apparently the intended word was, as I'd hoped, 'distinction'. Irony doesn't get more delicious than this.

In unrelated news, here's a video you may have already seen:

October 29, 2009


On cue, Howard strikes out looking. Werth, looking like Prince Valiant, bloops out to second.

Ibanez doubles to keep the game alive. Future World Series MVP Matt Stairs steps to the plate.

If he fails, this will be my last entry.