March 31, 2010

Bad Advice

Certain Blogs have been getting an awful lot of bad advice lately (and I don't just mean "keep writing").

So I think it's time to set a few things straight. I humbly submit retorts to the following adages:

1. "Don't go to the grocery store hungry." Bullshit. In what other walk of life would you hear something so ridiculous? Don't go to the dealership if you need a car? Don't go to the music store when you want to buy a CD? Don't go to the movies when you want to see a fucking movie? I mean, if there's a better place to go when you're hungry than A HUGE STORE FULL OF FOOD, I've yet to find it.

2. "Dogs' mouths are cleaner than humans'." Seriously, have you ever met one dog?

3. "Snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them." This bothers me for two reasons. Number one: as a threshold matter, I don't like people telling me how afraid I am of things. The only way you could possibly know how afraid I am of snakes is if you heard me say, "I'm more afraid of snakes than anyone has ever been afraid of anything."

Which brings me to number two: it is literally impossible for snakes to be more afraid of me than I am of them. The absolute best they could hope for is a tie. And frankly that'd have to be one timid fucking snake.

Poppycock and bollocks, all of it.

March 16, 2010

Yet Another Example of the Porousness of Certain Blogs

I haven't given up on this blog quite yet. I've been awfully busy the last few months moving to an old city and adjusting to a new job. But rest assured, I've got a few half-baked ideas in the hopper. Working titles: "Inside Jokes (I don't get them)", "Petty Complaints About Service Providers", and "[god dammit i forgot the only funny one]".

But for now, I'm off to Vegas for my annual sports gambling vacation. I'll try my darnedest not to make these common mistakes.

Wish me luck.