All fucking day

My bottle of Olay face lotion says, right there on the front, "all day moisture lotion SPF 15".

Great. But this morning I read the back for the first time: "Directions: For all day SPF 15 protection, apply liberally on face and neck as often as necessary." Kind of changes the tenor of the claim on the front, eh? Why not just call it lifetime moisture lotion?

It reminded me of one time in college when I tried to buy a bottle of Pert Plus. I was looking for "Normal", but apparently they'd abandoned that label in favor of "Classically Clean". It was right there next to "Oily" and "Dry and Damaged". I remember thinking, "what the fuck kind of a way to promote a product is that? This hair cleaning product is meant for people with hair that's...already clean?"

I also remember coming back to the apartment that day and finding my roommate with this girl he'd been trying to date. I thought a good idea would be to sit down and explain to them why I thought labeling a shampoo bottle "Classically Clean" was a stupid fucking idea. I wanted the girl to think his roommates were funny and interesting, but maybe I was trying too hard.

Live and learn, I guess.

Kindly also retire these jokes

(5) The word "ginormous". Sure, this is just another example of my general proscription on mashing words together to make fake words, but this one deserves special mention. You know what I'll do? I'll take TWO FUCKING SYNONYMS and mash them together to make...ANOTHER FUCKING SYNONYM!!! Fuck me.

(6) Thinking clowns are scary and/or creepy. This is the most predictable thing on Earth. When was the last time you heard an adult talk about clowns without using this joke? And what's more, it's a stupid joke anyway. What's so scary about some asshole who dresses funny and talks to strangers? Are you afraid of the Pope, too?