The Big Obvious Ripoff World Series Running Diary

Living in a city where you know zero people doesn't exactly make watching the baseball playoffs a lot of fun. Rather than sit around watching game one of the World Series by myself in my underwear, I thought I'd sit around watching game one of the World Series by myself in my underwear while keeping a running diary of the game. Sure, I'm ripping off The Sports Guy, but fuck it: who doesn't these days?

Bottom 1st, one out: With Youkilis on second, Ortiz squares around to bunt. Tim McCarver is so apoplectic he doesn't make any sense: "Here's a guy who DISDAINS on base percentage! And he's trying to bunt?!" Uh, Tim? Maybe you meant "reveres"? "Venerates"? "Lives and dies by"? Because you definitely didn't mean "disdains".

End of the 1st: One of those stupid iPhone commercials. You know the one where the pilot says his flight was delayed so he gets on his iPhone and checks weather.com and tells the dispatcher the weather system is passing? What the hell?? That's so obviously fake. What? The fucking dispatchers aren't monitoring the fucking weather? Plus: what did the pilot do that he couldn't have done on a Blackberry five years ago? Jesus.

Another commercial: Dane Cook, official spokesperson for October/Rocktober/Actober: "Someone...will do SOMETHING...that will SYMBOLIZE THEIR CAREER!" No, Dane. That barely even makes sense.

Bottom 2nd, two out: McCarver points out that the Rockies are defending Ortiz straight up the middle, rather than shifting the infield towards right field. Every other team would have the third baseman playing at shortstop, ready to cover second on a double play. Either the Rockies know something nobody else does, or Ortiz is going to make them pay.

Still Ortiz: Ortiz doubles to left field on a line drive that barely clears a perfectly positioned Tulowitzki at shortstop. Huh.

Top 3rd, one out: It's raining steadily in Boston and the groundskeeper just told the home plate umpire it's about to get worse. I admire the fans for staying so fired up: Boston in the rain is an incredibly depressing place. It rained when I was in Boston in 2004 for the Red Sox' victory parade. We drove all night to get there, but the rain was so depressing we actually thought about skipping the parade. So.

Top 4th, one out: You know what I've been meaning to rant about forever? Those fucking in-game managerial interviews. It's obvious the managers hate doing them; they're managing a fucking playoff game, for crying out loud. No manager with a brain stem would ever say anything interesting during the middle of a game. And worst of all, THE GAME IS GOING ON OFF CAMERA WHILE THEY TALK. As if on cue, Helton doubles off the Green Monster while Francona is busy telling the audience what a bad cribbage player Dustin Pedroia is.

Bottom 4th, 2 out: The Rockies MUST know something about Ortiz. There's no one on base, yet they still play him straight up, defensively. Lo and behold, he hits it to left field again, this time for a single. The Sox are catching tons of breaks, but the Rockies are obviously a brilliant defensive team.

Top 5th, one out: This is getting boring. The umpire is squeezing Beckett's strike zone something fierce, presumably trying to keep the game close any way he can.

Bottom 5th, two out: Ortiz up again, and damned if Colorado's outfield isn't actually shading towards left field. They've gone beyond playing him straight and are actually playing him to go the other way. Ortiz lines a double to dead center, where any sane centerfielder would have been standing, for an easy double. Maybe I spoke too soon about Colorado's defensive genius.

Bottom 5th, two out: Field reporter extraordinaire Ken Rosenthal just said the Rockies defeated the Cubs and the Diamondbacks in the National League playoffs. WRONG. Way to be prepared, Ken.

The rest of the damn game: It's like 837 -1 at this point, and I'm fresh out of things to say. As much as I love the Red Sox, I wouldn't mind a competitive game or two before they wrap this thing up.

Thanks for indulging this horribly failed experiment. I promise I'll get back to never blogging again shortly.