Adventures in Vegetarianism, Part Two

One time when I was in law school some buddies and I rolled down to Florida for Spring Break to watch some preseason baseball. We were tooling down I-95 in South Carolina when we decided to stop for lunch. My friends were sensitive to my absurd dietary needs, and I was sensitive to their desire to get the hell out of South Carolina as quickly as possible, so we compromised and decided to go to Burger King, where I could get one of their disgusting veggie burgers.

We decided to park and go in rather than use the drive-thru so we could all take a leak. I took care of business then sauntered up to the counter, preparing myself for the worst meal of my life. I smiled pathetically at the teenage sales clerk and told her I wanted a veggie burger combo.

She looked at me suspiciously. "You want a vegetable hamburger?"

"Yeah, a veggie burger combo. It's right there on the board."

I should mention this was a pretty rural part of South Carolina. I honestly think I was the first person to ever order a veggie burger at this branch.

The girl turned around and looked quizzically at the board. "You want a veggie burger hamburger?"

I stifled a laugh. "Please. To go." I told myself the ordeal was almost over.

I moved down the line and waited for my 10% post-consumer-content recycled bag of 100% post-consumer-content veggie burger.

Eventually another teenager maundered up and held out a bag: "Veggie burger hamburger?" he asked.

That's me. We get back in the car and I unpack my lunch. The fries come out first, which is reassuring; at least they know how to pack a to-go bag properly. Then I realize there are two packages at the bottom of the bag. I take out the first one, and sure enough it's my veggie burger.

The other one is a good old-fashioned, charbroiled hamburger.

Veggie burger hamburger, indeed. My best guess is the girl was so confused about what I wanted that she gave me one of each to be safe. Which makes some sense: who the hell would actually WANT a veggie burger?

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CERTAIN CLASSIC BLOG: Adventures in Vegetarianism, Part One