certain asides

you know how your pilot always reminds you to turn off your cell phone and other electronic devices before taking off and landing? well that's complete bullshit.



what exactly is the airline trying to say? are they saying your cell phone is SO DANGEROUS that flight attendants will simply TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT that you turned it off? all you have to do-- all everyone does-- is ignore the warning and leave the phone in your pocket, where it stays on the entire goddamn flight.



of course nothing ever happens. every time my flight lands, i feel my blackberry vibrating in my pocket, telling me i have 7000 new emails from irate supervisors. did the signals interfere with the landing? of course not.



if there were a .001% chance that a cell phone signal could endanger a flight, would the airlines have such a lax enforcement policy? remember, this is the same place where a bottle of baby formula can get you arrested.



so the next time your pilot tells you to turn off your cell phone, kindly tell him to eat a bowl of nuts. at first he'll think you've resorted to crudely insulting him, but assure him that you really want him to eat a bowl of nuts. the flight attendants will run around frantically searching for a bowl of nuts, but of course they won't find any because NUTS, UNLIKE CELL PHONES, ARE TOO DANGEROUS TO BE ALLOWED ON PLANES. then use your cell phone to call domino's and order some hot chicken wings.



god chicken wings are delicious.

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