let's talk about bums

One distinct memory I retained from my visit to the west coast a few years ago was the abundance of bums, relative to the east coast. Sure, Atlanta, D.C., and NY have their vagabonds, but their number pales in comparison to the hordes of panhandlers populating the Pacific coast. My visit to Seattle earlier this month reinvigorated this perception. I suppose it's just good business for bums to hang out in areas populated with young liberals.

Probably because of all the competition, many west coast vagrants have turned panhandling into something of an art form. To accomplish this is itself something of an art, because if their schtick becomes too involved, then suddenly they're performing a service rather than just asking for free shit. And then they're not bums, no matter how bad they smell. In this vein, here are my 3 favorite bum-related stories from Seattle:

(1) One woman asked us if we would give her some of our money. We lied and said we didn't have any on us. Undeterred, she brazenly asked, "you got a debit card?" Rather than bury ourselves in another lie, we kept walking.

(2) The next day, a dude near the fish market took the opposite tack. He rolled up and asked if we had any money (to give him, presumably). Again, we lied and told him we didn't. Instantly, he said, "oh okay, that's cool" and walked away. I can't imagine this technique helps him earn anything, but it sure was refreshing.

(3) Our last night in the city, a Sunday, a friend and I were trolling downtown Seattle for bars. I guess we were near the financial district or something, because nothing seemed to be open on a Sunday night. We stood on a street corner and quietly discussed our dwindling options. As we stood there, a bum approached from the block above us, and immediately started telling us where some bars were: "well you've got [Bar X] down the street, [Lounge Y] a block over on [Jerk Street], and [The Z Hole] down the hill on [Bullshit Ave]". Or something like that. The weird thing was, there's no way he could have heard what we were talking about before he started helping us. It really sticks in my craw that he merely assumed two twentysomethings in downtown Seattle at 11:00 on a Sunday night were looking for a bar. Stupid bums.

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There aren't so many bums in New York these days. Rudy Giuliani is famously responsible for this, although I'm not sure exactly how. Apparently he just kicked them out and sent them to Jersey or something. But here's what confuses me: if he did this, how come there are still a few bums scattered around the city? Were they friends of the mayor? Did they call in a favor? Maybe he held some kind of Bum Olympics and instead of a gold medal the winners got to stay in New York. I can't imagine the ones that are still here are here because Giuliani's anti-bum patrol couldn't find them- they sleep on First Avenue for pete's sake.

Also while I was in Seattle, the earbuds for my iPod stopped working. Upon returning to NYC, I was about to throw them away when I realized that headphones/earbuds are an awesome bum deterrent. Now when I go to work, I always have my earbuds in my ears, even though I'm not actually listening to anything. Rethink, Reuse, Recycle- that's my motto!