My cousins are visiting from Charlotte this week. When I met them this afternoon, eight-year-old Lucy handed me a story she had written:
Once upon a time there were four mice who were in a family there names were David, Lucy, Nana Pat, and Grand dad. David was so lazy he only gatherd food for himself he played all day when Lucy, Nana pat, and Grandad worked all day. We worked so hard one day that david said we were lazy and he did all the work. Then one day david scarfed down the food at dinner time and didn't leav us any at all. so one day all of us but not david were so angry we said to david "We are tired of you eating are dinner every night look how skinny we are we have not eaten in ages because you are hoging every thing." Then Daivd said "Okay i'll try not to be so selfish." So then the four mice lived happliy ever after.
Huh.
April 7, 2008
April 1, 2008
I've got a new attitude
I've decided to start taking this blog much more seriously. Starting today, I'm going to start writing every day, hopefully contributing something more substantive than a link or a Youtube clip. I realized on the subway this morning that I have plenty to say; I've just been too lazy to get it out. I'd like to thank my readers for their patience during this dry spell, and I promise your loyalty will be rewarded in short order.
Today I'd like to talk about the economy.
APRIL FOOL'S MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!
I still don't have shit to say, but I'd be remiss not to pass along this link. It's the least I can do.
Today I'd like to talk about the economy.
APRIL FOOL'S MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!
I still don't have shit to say, but I'd be remiss not to pass along this link. It's the least I can do.
March 14, 2008
Get a load of this
Great as Full Metal Jacket is, I must admit I never really appreciated the ol' gun-as-penis metaphor. But now that I'm the owner of a huge fucking shotgun, it's starting to make sense.
March 13, 2008
March 10, 2008
thing
We slept later than we'd meant to; it was a Sunday. Eventually we got up and put ourselves together for a run. We ran a while but I pulled up with a bad knee and we had to walk back. We needed milk for the pancakes but she'd remembered to slip a $5 bill in her sock before we left so we stopped at a gas station and bought some milk and a bottle of water that we shared in the sun.
The pancakes were buckwheat and not much by themselves but they were alright with fruit on them. We ate in front of the tv with the Redskins game on and read the Times intermittently. I gathered up the dishes when we were done and took them to the kitchen then she came over and we washed them together in silence. She told me later she thought about having sex then, which would have been alright but instead we went back to the couch and the game and she put her legs and her purple toenails over my lap which was alright too.
At some point my friend called and by the time I hung up the phone the Jets had tied the score and we got to watch overtime while I packed. She took some grapes and some Halloween-sized Kit Kats and another bottle of water and put it all in a brownbag for my flight and she did all of this without ceremony.
Then we went down to the corner and got me in a cab. We looked at each other as I drove away but the car was pointed in the wrong direction when I got in it and when it made a u-turn we had to look at each other some more. Finally it made a left, out of sight, and I went back to where I came from.
The pancakes were buckwheat and not much by themselves but they were alright with fruit on them. We ate in front of the tv with the Redskins game on and read the Times intermittently. I gathered up the dishes when we were done and took them to the kitchen then she came over and we washed them together in silence. She told me later she thought about having sex then, which would have been alright but instead we went back to the couch and the game and she put her legs and her purple toenails over my lap which was alright too.
At some point my friend called and by the time I hung up the phone the Jets had tied the score and we got to watch overtime while I packed. She took some grapes and some Halloween-sized Kit Kats and another bottle of water and put it all in a brownbag for my flight and she did all of this without ceremony.
Then we went down to the corner and got me in a cab. We looked at each other as I drove away but the car was pointed in the wrong direction when I got in it and when it made a u-turn we had to look at each other some more. Finally it made a left, out of sight, and I went back to where I came from.
March 1, 2008
February 27, 2008
Things in my apartment that got ashed on last weekend (partial list):
(1) brand new ottoman
(2) my only plant (deceased)
(3) two full beers
(4) Beyond Good and Evil, by Friedrich Nietzsche
(5) the floor
February 26, 2008
Please retire the following jokes
Okay, it's long past time to retire some fucking jokes. I don't think I've heard anyone who reads this use any of these, but in case I'm calling you out, whatever. You should know better and one day you'll thank me:
(1) The phrase "not so much".
(2) Blending words together to make fake words. I got some mileage out of this joke in AP History class when I suggested that Abraham Lincoln's postwar reconstruction plan should be called "Lincolnstruction". But that was over a decade ago. Fortunately, I have a feeling the always stupid and increasingly unavoidable Obama words (Obamamentum, Barackstar, et cetera) is going to suck the life right out of this joke.
(2)(part 2) Those AT&T ads where they smash multiple cities into one fake word like Chilondoscow or New San Frakota have been pissing me off for weeks. If you happened to work on these ads, please retire.
(3) "Best. [Something]. Ever." Just stop it. Please please please please please stop it. Obviously this goes for "Worst..." as well.
(4) That joke where you say "If by '[x]', you mean '[the opposite of x]', then yeah, [x]." As in, "If by 'studied for my test' you mean 'ate chocolate ice cream and watched Gossip Girl all day', then yeah, I studied for my test." It's time we turned the tables on this tired ploy. Start saying things like, "If by 'hungover', you mean 'dehydrated and fatigued with a pounding headache because I drank 12 beers and passed out in the stairwell last night', then yeah, I'm hungover." This is a much better joke.
That's all I can think of. But I have a sneaking suspicion I'll be revisiting this topic.
(1) The phrase "not so much".
(2) Blending words together to make fake words. I got some mileage out of this joke in AP History class when I suggested that Abraham Lincoln's postwar reconstruction plan should be called "Lincolnstruction". But that was over a decade ago. Fortunately, I have a feeling the always stupid and increasingly unavoidable Obama words (Obamamentum, Barackstar, et cetera) is going to suck the life right out of this joke.
(2)(part 2) Those AT&T ads where they smash multiple cities into one fake word like Chilondoscow or New San Frakota have been pissing me off for weeks. If you happened to work on these ads, please retire.
(3) "Best. [Something]. Ever." Just stop it. Please please please please please stop it. Obviously this goes for "Worst..." as well.
(4) That joke where you say "If by '[x]', you mean '[the opposite of x]', then yeah, [x]." As in, "If by 'studied for my test' you mean 'ate chocolate ice cream and watched Gossip Girl all day', then yeah, I studied for my test." It's time we turned the tables on this tired ploy. Start saying things like, "If by 'hungover', you mean 'dehydrated and fatigued with a pounding headache because I drank 12 beers and passed out in the stairwell last night', then yeah, I'm hungover." This is a much better joke.
That's all I can think of. But I have a sneaking suspicion I'll be revisiting this topic.
February 13, 2008
Watch him as he goes
Roger Clemens and I share a last name. Pretty much solely on account of this coincidence, he was my hero growing up. Clemens first made a splash in 1986, as a member of the ill-fated Red Sox team that lost a heartbreaking World Series to the Mets. The following year, my dad decided it was time to introduce me to baseball, and the first person he told me about was Clemens, indisputably the best pitcher in the American League. Dad didn't know if we were related to Roger, but the relative obscurity of our last name enabled me to hold out hope for years that I shared some of those incredible genes.
He's the reason I became a Red Sox fan. By the time he devastated most of New England by signing with the Blue Jays (and soon after accepting a trade to the Yankees), my loyalties had long since shifted from player to team; Clemens left, but I stayed with the Sox.
He's the reason I skipped class to drive to Boston for their historic victory parade in 2004. He's the reason I dressed up as Manny Ramirez for a costume party, ridiculously wearing a black pom-pom on my head to simulate dreadlocks. He's the reason I love Pedro Martinez in embarrassing and inarticulable ways.
Still, Clemens was always my idol. I remember listening to Game 5 of the American League Championship Series on the car radio in October 2000, on the way back from visiting my girlfriend in Massachusetts. He struck out 15 batters while throwing a complete game one-hitter against the Mariners, probably the greatest postseason performance of the last 50 years. He was with the Yankees at the time-- and god I hate the Yankees-- but I was there for him on every pitch.
_______________
I found out we weren't related when I read a fawning Sports Illustrated piece on Roger in the early 1990s. The article mentioned in passing that he wasn't related to Mark Twain-- aka Samuel Clemens-- to whom I knew I was related thanks to my grandmother's extensive genealogy a decade prior.
When people would ask how to spell my last name, I would always tell them "it's spelled like Roger Clemens." A major turning point in my life came as a salesman for a travel agency after college, when, having made thousands of cold calls to assholes all over the country, I realized more of them recognized Samuel Clemens than they did Roger. As a naive 21 year old, it was hard to believe anyone didn't know who Roger was (much less that anyone DID know Mark Twain's real name). It took me 15 years of hero worship before I realized that (a) Sam Clemens was far more famous than Roger could ever hope to be, and (b) it's far, far, far more interesting to be related to Sam than to Roger.
Another Roger Clemens-inspired watershed moment occurred this afternoon, during Clemens's testimony before the Congressional oversight committee investigating illegal drug use in baseball. When asked if he was a vegan-- part of a series of questions relating to why he accepted injections of Vitamin B-12-- Clemens explained that he doesn't know what a vegan is. (A fuller explanation of the questioning can be found here.)
I was startled by how sharply this statement drew into contrast the life I lead and the one I thought I wanted as a kid. Being a vegetarian is really important to me. So is having a working knowledge of lifestyles and cultures besides my own. And so is knowing the meanings of common words.
Over and out, Roger.
He's the reason I became a Red Sox fan. By the time he devastated most of New England by signing with the Blue Jays (and soon after accepting a trade to the Yankees), my loyalties had long since shifted from player to team; Clemens left, but I stayed with the Sox.
He's the reason I skipped class to drive to Boston for their historic victory parade in 2004. He's the reason I dressed up as Manny Ramirez for a costume party, ridiculously wearing a black pom-pom on my head to simulate dreadlocks. He's the reason I love Pedro Martinez in embarrassing and inarticulable ways.
Still, Clemens was always my idol. I remember listening to Game 5 of the American League Championship Series on the car radio in October 2000, on the way back from visiting my girlfriend in Massachusetts. He struck out 15 batters while throwing a complete game one-hitter against the Mariners, probably the greatest postseason performance of the last 50 years. He was with the Yankees at the time-- and god I hate the Yankees-- but I was there for him on every pitch.
_______________
I found out we weren't related when I read a fawning Sports Illustrated piece on Roger in the early 1990s. The article mentioned in passing that he wasn't related to Mark Twain-- aka Samuel Clemens-- to whom I knew I was related thanks to my grandmother's extensive genealogy a decade prior.
When people would ask how to spell my last name, I would always tell them "it's spelled like Roger Clemens." A major turning point in my life came as a salesman for a travel agency after college, when, having made thousands of cold calls to assholes all over the country, I realized more of them recognized Samuel Clemens than they did Roger. As a naive 21 year old, it was hard to believe anyone didn't know who Roger was (much less that anyone DID know Mark Twain's real name). It took me 15 years of hero worship before I realized that (a) Sam Clemens was far more famous than Roger could ever hope to be, and (b) it's far, far, far more interesting to be related to Sam than to Roger.
Another Roger Clemens-inspired watershed moment occurred this afternoon, during Clemens's testimony before the Congressional oversight committee investigating illegal drug use in baseball. When asked if he was a vegan-- part of a series of questions relating to why he accepted injections of Vitamin B-12-- Clemens explained that he doesn't know what a vegan is. (A fuller explanation of the questioning can be found here.)
I was startled by how sharply this statement drew into contrast the life I lead and the one I thought I wanted as a kid. Being a vegetarian is really important to me. So is having a working knowledge of lifestyles and cultures besides my own. And so is knowing the meanings of common words.
Over and out, Roger.
December 22, 2007
Nietzsche Family Circus
For anyone still reading, here's the funniest thing I've seen this month, if not ever:
"Let us beware of saying that death is the opposite of life. The living being is only a species of the dead, and a very rare species."
Click here for more randomized pairings of Nietzsche quotes and Family Circus images. Thanks to my brother for bringing this to my attention.
"Let us beware of saying that death is the opposite of life. The living being is only a species of the dead, and a very rare species."Click here for more randomized pairings of Nietzsche quotes and Family Circus images. Thanks to my brother for bringing this to my attention.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
