How To Be A Lawyer, Part One: How to Get into Law School

Last week I traveled to Albany to be sworn in as a member of the NY Bar. Sitting in the bureaucratic light of the Empire State Plaza Convention Center, I reflected on my experiences over the last 5 years and realized I could put together one hell of a how-to pamphlet. Here's part one:

STEP ONE: Major in philosophy. I can't emphasize this one enough. Majoring in this worthless piece of shit subject ensures exactly one thing: if you ever want to own a TV, have sex with a girl, or eat a meal, you HAVE to go to law school. Nothing motivates like desperation.

STEP TWO: Eventually it comes time to take the LSAT. The key thing here is to become heavily dependent on anti-depressants during college, then slowly wean yourself off them when your undergrad health insurance expires. By the time you take the LSAT in October, you'll be used to the cold sweats and stratospheric heart rate, while your fellow test-takers will be dealing with them for the first time.

STEP THREE: The morning of the LSAT, it will occur to you that you need a #2 pencil to take the test. It will also occur to you that you haven't owned a fucking pencil since you took the SAT five years ago. But don't worry. On your way to the test, casually pull into a convenience store and swipe a handful of golf pencils from the lotto desk. Nothing motivates you to get things right the first time like not having an eraser.

STEP FOUR: Now that you've taken the LSAT, it's time to get serious about applying to law schools. Choosing the right one can be an arduous task, but only if you're a dipshit. The important thing to remember is that the US News & World Report rankings are infallible. Let them be your only guide.

STEP FIVE: Once you decide on your schools, it's imperative to forget their respective application deadlines. That way, when you're forced to fill out the applications and write all your essays in 3 days, they won't come across as "too polished" or "proofread for spelling errors". Law schools are like women: the harder you try, the less they like you.

ALSO PART OF STEP FIVE: Don't be shy about asking a professor you haven't spoken to in years to write you a recommendation over his winter vacation and mail it to you the very same day. If they didn't like doing this shit, they shouldn't have gone into academia in the first place.
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Stay tuned for Part II: Surviving Law School and Getting a Job