I've always had this fantasy that when I die I'll be given a massive book containing an accounting of everything I've ever done in my life. I think it was my early infatuation with baseball that taught me to love compiling statistics about anything and everything. It strikes me as tragic that I'll never know, for example, how many glasses of water a day I averaged over the course of my life. Here's a list of the things I'd most like to know:
1. How many bowls of cereal did I eat in my life? Which did I eat the most? Cap'n Crunch? Cocoa Krispies?
2. How many times did I have sex? The last time I had sex, did it occur to me that it might be my last time? (I worry about this with old people all the time.)
3. Have I seen every episode of Law & Order?
4. How many times did I listen to Ice Cube's Death Certificate?
5. Did I ever tell my grandmother I loved her?
6. How many successful jokes have I told? How many bombed? A ratio would be nice.
7. How many books did I read in my life? Fiction/non-fiction breakdown, please.
8. How many beers did I drink? Was it more or less than all my buddies?
9. How many miles did I drive in my life? What percentage of those miles were driven above the speed limit? 99?
10. How many times did I watch the sneezing panda?
11. How's my gambling? Was I in the black when I kicked the bucket?
Tell me you wouldn't read this book.
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1) Does it have to be bowls? What about sheer volume of cereal you ate straight out of the box while taking a shit at another family's house in middle school? If that counts, Cocoa Krispies all day.
ReplyDelete2)Yes of course it occured to you, you dillhole.
3) God I hope not.
4) Not enough. This shit'll drive you crazy if you let it.
5) You didn't have to.
6) I probably found about 95% of them funny. Particularly the ones you stole from me and told in a louder voice to all the girls in the class. God damn you.
7) Pass.
8) Do woodchuck apple ciders count? I hope not. In any case, way way way way more than your god damned buddies.
9) 140,000? 93% maybe
10) Certainly not more than I did.
11) I'm sure your gambling sucks. But you're always the first one I'll go to for advice. See you in five days.
Well, as far as #10 is concerned, I just went from 0 times to 10,835. Thanks, Blog. Gen.!
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