let's meet the frontrunners

Dick Cheney- Mr. Vice President has been sick of the bullshit longer than most of us have been alive, and this might be the year all the sneers and audible sighs finally pay off. Between a bumbling boss, a hostile Congress, the Scooter Libby trial, a knocked-up lesbian daughter and a liberal press unwilling to forget that he once shot a man in the face, there's a lot of bullshit in Cheney's future. Odds: 5 to 2

Martin Scorsese- Currently a long shot, Scorsese's viability as a candidate will become clear after the Academy Awards. Marty doesn't emote the way Saddam Hussein or Dick Cheney do, but make no mistake: he's been dealt a heaping pile of bullshit over the years. Try losing Oscars to sentimental hacks like Robert Redford, Kevin Costner, and Clint Eastwood and see how you feel. Odds: 10 to 1

Barry Bonds- This is one disgruntled ballplayer. Not only do reporters insist on interviewing him after every single game, but thousands of adoring fans have been pestering him for autographs ever since he was a rookie. And if that weren't bullshit enough, recently people have been accusing him-- Barry Fucking Bonds-- of using steroids. With a federal perjury indictment looming, this could finally be Bonds's year. Odds: 4 to 1

Suri Cruise- At first blush, Ms. Cruise might seem like an unlikely candidate-- after all, she's got youth, wealth, and fantastic genes. But on the other hand, she's got paparazzi swarming her and the world's most insane parents raising her. All year I'll be asking myself: is she crying because she's hungry, or because she's Sick of the Bullshit? Odds: 10 to 1

The Field- Of course, these candidates could fade and a new contender could emerge. No one is immune from the bullshit, and prolonged exposure has been known to wither even the hardiest of men. There's a lot of bullshit yet to be suffered, and no telling who might snap. Odds: 2 to 1